Monkey business

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Posts Tagged ‘mom’

All laughed out?

Posted by Alta on June 24, 2010

I think so,i dont remember the last time i heard her laugh.Its close to a year,she just doesnt know how to now.A year ago she would laugh at times when she was calm,if you joked with her she would get it,or say something funny herself and laugh but thats gone now.I have been noticing for a while now but i thought maybe its just a phase,i feel otherwise now.You cant blame her though can you,what does she have to be happy about.

The son she loved most isnt with her today when she needs him most,to know he is there and he loves her,to know all her kids are with her,everything that they are today is because of everything she did for them,they are great full and in debt to her,that they love her and whatever they do they will never be able to repay for her love and for all that she is done for them.

Just one wish tonight though,just one prayer,if i could just hear my moms laughter one last time.

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All in one post

Posted by Alta on April 25, 2010

I want to break this post down into a few parts as a lot has happened in the past week,part A about my cousin part B about my favourite aunt,part C about mom and dad,and part D about me.

Part A:I got to see my favourite cousin a few days back,after 13 long years where a lot has changed and we havent kept in touch as such.There is something in our blood though,we might not talk regularly and even after so many years we meet as if it was only yesterday that we were together.I grew up with him,well almost.He left the country when i was about  14 and he was 17 or 18 years old,for all those years that we were together and amount of time which we spent together,the summer holidays which meant 60 days together,the weekends and every holiday that was,was spent together with him.

The past few days have been spent down in memory lane,going through what all we did and laughing about things,and yet there is this sadness in all of it,whenever it comes to my aunt (his mom,and my fav aunt) or memories and thought of their old house,i know i am sad and can tell he is too.I do wish to and one day will buy that old apartment,i am sure that one day i will have saved up enough to go to whoever owns it and say this is my aunts house,the house with all the memories and i want it all back.

My aunt is ill,has been for the last 10 years or so,she had brain tumour and due to that these she is a shell of her self,doesnt speak much,cant eat,and cant walk.similar to what mom is like more or less though with mom its worse.She was so good to me,even with all her slipper throwing at me,and calling me names,(mostly calling me for breakfast or lunch)she was very very good to me.

We would be playing monopoly in the morning,and this game would be a continuation of the game from last night,she would call us for breakfast and no one would listen and out of no where there would be two slippers one at a time like homing missiles would land right on the board 🙂

I dont talk to her,though she cant talk much even the little conversation that i can have or just to let her know that i love her and think of her almost every day of my life,that i cry for her and pray for her but i cant and i wont.I want to remember her as she was,the loud loving woman that was my aunt and not who she is now,at times i wish i could do the same with my mom and just remember the old her,her.

Mom and dad had their 38th wedding anniversary this week,38 years of being together,38 years of love,love thats as strong today that it ever could have been or can be between two people,if i can have a relationship with my wife that they had between them i think i couldnt ask for more.One think i do not want to have is the regrets that i see in dad,i do not want to be 60 something and thinking about what could have been or how i would have done things differently,i wish i dont.

Back to the monkey me,life is good for me,however much i thank God for the life i have might not be enough,yes i have complaints but then i am human and thats my excuse 🙂 Work is good,one more month of the morning job and then i am free for 2 months.Will be starting a new small business next month,hopefully early next month.

Drove the evo today,200kms an hour 😀 Yes i know but hey it was Sunday no traffic as such and it was prob for 30 secs or so at best that i was at 200kms or more (even drifted a little)

I think i have gone on a lot and should stop typing now Eid Mubarak to everyone! 😛

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Only if dreams were true

Posted by Alta on January 2, 2010

I was by her side,almost a sleep.I dozed off for a while as i do on most days,i always would fall a sleep if i was laying down next to her as we talked,that hasnt changed i still do,just the conversation isnt what it used to be,not sure if it can even be called a conversation now.

Something was different though last night,we talked we had a conversation but then i woke up,it was just a dream.Seemed so real though,wish i had more of them and remembered them,I also wish that one could pick a dream and it would become reality.

The reality is it wont,it will remain a dream,i will not remember the dreams nor will i remember her,i keep grasping at air it seems,trying to remember what she was like,who she was but i cant and i know a time will come when her memory wont even be that.

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Boys dont cry :)

Posted by Alta on August 22, 2009

This post was supposed to be about her,but i guess its impossible to talk about either without mentioning the other,so now its about both of them.I know thoughts and lines might be mixed,going back and forth but i cant keep my head straight,i just hope that i am able to do a decent job of this.

I have been wanting to write about this and hope in some way to get it out of my system,at different times when i have been feeling down or i have been seeing her suffer,i have written lines in my head but never actually put them down,and its time i did,i really do need to get it out of me.I know even writing pages and pages of how i feel and what not is not going to take away the pain or the memories,or the hurt that i feel every day when i see her.How at times i stay late at work just so i dont come home when she is in one of those moods.

The one person i really feel bad for is my dad,who is there with her 24/7,he has no friends,he does nothing all day but be by her side to take care of her,not trusting anyone not even his own children to care of their mother,and to be honest we wouldnt be able to,no one can do what he does.He was a different man 6 years ago,he is clearly older,more tired,weaker,i have got to know him more then i ever knew him over the last 5 years,grown closer to him.He is not the hero or the super man that i had in my mind,my dad the risk taker business man who had nothing when he was 18 years old and by the time he was 45 he had everything and more that 18 year old would have wished for.Today i know that he would not have achieved half of it if it wasnt for my mother,she was the corner stone,the support,both of them together built everything,raised their 5 children and gave them everything they wanted,life was perfect for them.

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….

Posted by Alta on June 21, 2007

It hurts that I cant do anything about it,no matter what I or others do,things will never be the same,it wont get better.Frustrating to see,hard to take in.So many questions and no answers.

I feel sick deep inside,and i can not avoid it,hard to explain and i dont want to,i dont want to think about it,i dont want to deal with it.I wish i could run away.

Not wanting to be home,maybe thats the reason i am at work longer then usual these days,but whatever i do or anyone else does,its not going to help thats clear.

The one person who was the corner stone of everything,the one person i looked up to and someone who was the strength who everyone turned for everything is now….

The guilt is there,the pain is there.

I can not sit and watch i hate not being able to do anything,and knowing whatever happens it will never be the same.

I have a very good life,but it sucks right now.

Dont feel like talking today,hence i am here,need to get it out of the system.

Its not just the regular sunday night crapy feeling right now,its worse,much worse.

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