Monkey business

Sab pagal hain,aur mai sab se bara nahi hoon!

Boys dont cry :)

Posted by Alta on August 22, 2009

This post was supposed to be about her,but i guess its impossible to talk about either without mentioning the other,so now its about both of them.I know thoughts and lines might be mixed,going back and forth but i cant keep my head straight,i just hope that i am able to do a decent job of this.

I have been wanting to write about this and hope in some way to get it out of my system,at different times when i have been feeling down or i have been seeing her suffer,i have written lines in my head but never actually put them down,and its time i did,i really do need to get it out of me.I know even writing pages and pages of how i feel and what not is not going to take away the pain or the memories,or the hurt that i feel every day when i see her.How at times i stay late at work just so i dont come home when she is in one of those moods.

The one person i really feel bad for is my dad,who is there with her 24/7,he has no friends,he does nothing all day but be by her side to take care of her,not trusting anyone not even his own children to care of their mother,and to be honest we wouldnt be able to,no one can do what he does.He was a different man 6 years ago,he is clearly older,more tired,weaker,i have got to know him more then i ever knew him over the last 5 years,grown closer to him.He is not the hero or the super man that i had in my mind,my dad the risk taker business man who had nothing when he was 18 years old and by the time he was 45 he had everything and more that 18 year old would have wished for.Today i know that he would not have achieved half of it if it wasnt for my mother,she was the corner stone,the support,both of them together built everything,raised their 5 children and gave them everything they wanted,life was perfect for them.

He loves her,even a blind man can see it,even today.Even though the woman today that looks like my mum and has her voice is nothing like my mother,my mummy.Its not her.The strong willed woman who kept her family together,ran her own business for 20 years,raised 5 kids,and yet had time to help others.The risk taker,the super woman,the hero,it was her all along not my dad,but i didnt know that as well as i do today.

He is a hero,the superman and much more to me today then he ever was to me when i was growing up,i cant imagine anyone,no one in this world who would go through and live the life he has for the last 4 years,no matter how much they loved the other person,specially if you love them.You can not spend every hour of each day for so many years,watch someone you love,who was everything for you,the person you fought for with your family,the person you left your sect for,the woman who has been your life for  over 35 year.How can you stay there and watch her change,change so much for the last 5 years that today to me she is not my mother,yes she looks like her but its not her.He sits there by her side knowing that she is going to die,there is no cure for it,nothing that he does can bring her back or make her better,yet he is there every second watching,waiting,taking care of her.I cant imagine his pain,what he goes through every day,every minute,every second that he is there with her.Not only have i lost my mother but i feel at times that i am watching my dad die a little everyday and i cant do anything about it,cant do anything but cry when i can.

She doesnt remember much,answers a few questions when she is in a good mood,this past week she didnt know who i was,not my name,asked her if she was my mum (my sister and i do this with her a lot,asking her whose mom she is and 90% of the time she takes my name) she didnt know.

One name she doesnt forget though is of my dad,and i dread the day that she forgets his name,and i pray to God that it doesnt happen because its going to end any hope he has.We always ask her if abba is nice or not,and the answer every time is along the lines of he is the best,no one can be like him,and of her praying for his health,even today when she doesnt know where she is,who we all are,she remembers him and calls for him every 2 or 3 mins ,we get sick of it but abba replies every time,every time.

I honestly didnt know him to well,only that i have been working with him for the last 4 years or so that i have become close to him and have gotten to know the person then him just being abba.If there ever was a saint,i have lived with him.Not that he is perfect,a whole list of flaws.But the last 5 years cover every flaw and mistake that he has ever made.

I just wish i was a better son,i could do better then i do,and meet whatever expectations that he has off me,i wish and hope that he is not disappointed and that i am not a failure,that in some way he is proud of me.

All of us have changed over the last 5 years with her,our lives have changed,i dont know if i have become a better person or not,if i have done enough,maybe i havent.I guess i have started doubting myself,questioning and second guessing myself,something i never did before.I dont know if i am stronger or weaker today,all i know is i wish i wasnt sitting here at 4 am on a sat night,day of the first fast and writing this.I wish i was down stairs with my mummy and abba having sehri.

I thank God when ever i can for everything that he has given me,i might not thank him every day but i do complain,i let him know that i do not understand why this has happened to her.I hope i get a chance to ask him one day and that i am able to understand why.

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11 Responses to “Boys dont cry :)”

  1. Hanif Bhatti said

    @Alta
    Your Dad is indeed a great man, I know how it is if your life partner gets sick with whom you have spent 35 years of your life. Is it possible if I spend sometime with your dad once or twice a month?

    Yes i do want to spend atleast half an hour(or more) with your Dad.

  2. Salarzae said

    Altamash

    I never knew that side of you and I really am saddened by your situation. I’ve no words to express but pray to Allah for your family, specially your mother.

  3. hollyeburne said

    Alta, What a beautiful post. I felt every bit of your pain especially when you said you felt like you are losing both parents. Both of my kids are in their 20’s and I am doing every thing I can to keep myself healthy–physically, emotionally and spiritually–because I know they need me.
    You are a wonderful son and I hope that you are able to express your feelings to your Dad. He has to be proud to have you for a son. He may be suffering too much grief to tell you openly.

    Blessings to you and your family,
    Holly

  4. Your father’s devotion is an every day miracle. It brings tears to my eyes to read this. Best wishes to you all.

  5. Alta said

    @ HB when do i come over for tea?

    @ Salarzae plenty of other sides too 😉 and thanks mate 🙂

    @ Holly Thank you so much,you do keep your self healthy and like my dad what you are doing is great and words are not enough,be strong and best wishes for you and your family.

    @ Asleep Thank you

  6. I so appreciate your post. I cried through the whole thing remembering all the phases of Alzheimer’s disease with my Mother. As difficult as it is to feel the pain you are miles ahead of those that stuff their feelings. Please try not to second guess yourself too much. I know it is natural and when we watch our loved ones disappear before our eyes, well there is really nothing worse.

    You are doing a great job expressing you feelings and experiencing them. I know you had been to my blog, but not sure if you had a chance to check out some of the exercises. I think you might find them helpful. They were to me as they helped me focus on what I could and could not control and what was really important in my life, which allowed me to turn the corner and create remarkable moments going forward with my Mother. For your Dad it might not hurt to share with him the done is better then perfect story, if he is feeling he wants to and must do everything himself. As much as we love someone it is not health in any relationship to loose yourself.

    Here is the link to the blog http://www.AlzheimersSpeaks.Wordpress.com

    You too are a Hero! Don’t forget that. Your Mother may not be able to interact with you the way she once did, but I truly beleive she can still feel your love on many other levels.

    It is ok for Boy to Cry! Carry on…

  7. Alta,
    I sure you hope you find your blogging helpful to yourself, as it it helping so many. Keep up the great work! I have added a link to your blog on my site. I also have made a wonderful connection with one of your followers, Holly. What a joy she is.

    I know your busy but I going to give you a link back to my site to check out a couple of things that I really think might help you. They have helped me a ton!

    When you go to the site go to the search box in the upper right corner.
    Type in: Journaling
    this will pull up 2 simple exercises

    “Your memory Chip” and is a card you can actually carry with you or some use it as a guest book form. I don’t have the forms posted yet in a PDF but if you want I can send them to you. WE are just finalizing it.

    “Getting through the feelings”
    is the second exercise and is about journaling. You seem to have that down but it may help others you know to remove their fear of journaling

    Last type in the search box
    “So why is a name so important”
    I think this story will help with understanding where your Mom is coming from and what you can do to feel better.

    My post yesterday may also be of help called Mom’s on a DVD. It’s about learning how we can control our expectations that cause our disappointment, frustration, and anger.

    I will keep you and your family in my prayers. May nothing but the best come your way!

    Lori

    Here is the link to the site:

    http://alzheimersspeaks.wordpress.com

    • Alta said

      Lori thanks for all the kind words and the help,i will be taking a close look at the link and thank you once again for taking time out and trying to help me deal with things.

      The blogging does help,i have had a good week,get things out of the system and un load and start all over.

      You have done a good job with your blog and are helping many people,hope you continue to and are able to help others.

  8. Karachiite said

    InshaAllah ur Mummy will be fine..

    Theres nothing more precious in this world than a Mom.. and its like a dagger is pulled up on ur chest when ur Mom doesnt reply, due to illness..

    Shes in my duas!

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